A Collection of Letters
by ravens.and.herons
Summary: This is the story of a Slytherin and a Gryffindor, putting aside their prejudices for the sake of getting what they both want. Told in the form of their passed notes and letters, this contains LOTS of strong language, minimal amounts of maturity, and adult themes. In fact, I'm not quite sure this should be rated T. But, first fanfic, so here goes nothing. You've been warned. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**_DISCLAIMER: I solemly swear that I do not own any of the characters/ plot in the Harry Potter series. If my fanfiction seems to be similar to another's... sorry, I guess. _**

**_First fanfic, bear with it. Have fun ;)  
-Raven_**

* * *

_Italics- Draco_

Plain- Hermione

_..._

_Dear Pansy, _

_Roses are red, _

_Violets are blue, _

_You look sexy, _

_Can I do you? _

_Love, _

_Draco Malfoy._

* * *

Seriously? Okay, three things: 1. I know you're a Slytherin and all, but that was the shittiest

poem I have ever read. And I edit Ron's essays. 2. Pansy? You are desperate. And, 3. Nice aim,

Quidditch seeker.

Your Mudblood friend,

Hermione Granger

* * *

_Fuck off, Granger, I don't need the lecture. Go nag Scarhead or the Weasel. Maybe you'll get a first kiss from "Won-Won" just to shut you up. _

_Draco Malfoy _

* * *

Haha, very funny. But might I remind you of my relationship with Viktor Krum?

* * *

_Ok, so you landed Krum. But that guy is like, an awkward penguin or something. _

* * *

Sounds like you might be jealous…

* * *

_Jealous? Of Viktor Krum? Please, I can get twice the amount of girls he gets every day. And I would never like you. You are uglier than a Blast Ended Skrewt, in my opinion. Krum must be blind._

* * *

Okay. Prove it. I know that at least 2 million girls AND guys kiss his poster at night. You don't even have a poster.

PS. What is it with you guys and dishing Viktor whenever you hear about us together? You and Ron both liked him fine until we went to the Yule Ball together.

* * *

_Well, yeah, but he is famous. _

_PS. Don't compare me to Ron__._

* * *

And you aren't?

PS. I'll do whatever the fuck I want.

PPS. I noticed that was not a direct answer.

* * *

_That's not the point. But I am more attractive than Krum. _

_PS. Fuck off._

* * *

You just admitted Krum was more popular with you. That is like, legit news right there. Legend, even: Malfoy admits he isn't all that popular.

* * *

_Well, you shouldn't be so literal all the time. If Krum and I were at the same status, I would get the girls. And anyway, I am a shitload more popular than you, bookwitch. Plus, I noticed you didn't deny that bit about me being attractive. _

* * *

I thought I was a Mudblood, and therefore not a magical being, or witch. *Sneeze*

* * *

_What? Why did you write 'sneeze'? _

* * *

Because I am allergic to bullshit. You being attractive is delusional.

* * *

… _Bitch. You like me or else you wouldn't be mean to me. _

* * *

That's 6 year old logic right there. Besides, couldn't I say the same for you?

* * *

…_Yeah, yeah. True. _

* * *

So you admit it? You're not as smart as me? Two surprising things from Malfoy in less than 5 minutes. Why are you admitting this to me anyway? I am, like, your polar opposite.

* * *

_Because you are nobody_.

* * *

_Granger? _

* * *

_Granger? Hah. You mad bro? _

* * *

_Er, Granger? _

* * *

_Come on, Granger! Don't be so anal. _

* * *

Go away, you foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach.

* * *

_Deja-vu!_

* * *

Ugh, you are SO irritating.

* * *

_Hey, what did you pass to Pansy? _

* * *

_Granger. WHAT. DID. YOU. FUCKING. PASS. TO. PANSY._

* * *

Um… your love letter… (Ooh)

* * *

_MOTHERFUCK GRANGER, WHY IN FUCK'S NAME DID YOU PASS HER THE __FUCKING NOTE?_

* * *

Hah.

* * *

**AN: First chapter! R&R! **

**-Raven**


	2. Chapter 2

Underline- Pansy

**Boldface- Blaise**

_Italics- Draco_

Plain- Hermione

...

How romantic, Drake! Of course you can do me, anytime and anywhere. But one question… why did Hermione Granger the Mudblood pass me this? And why were you passing notes to each other?

Just concerned,

Pansy Parkinson XOXOXOXOXOXOXO 

* * *

_She's killing me, Blaise. I can't fucking stand her. She's always after me: Draco, what are you doing? Or, Draco, who is she? And when I try to break up with her she fucking cries and I have to take her back._

* * *

**Why did you pass her the love letter, then?**

* * *

_Because, Blaise. I thought if she knew what a horrible womanizer I was- just writing her crap poems, fucking around with her, then ignoring her- she would leave me alone._

* * *

**Dude. That will never work. She'll just dig you more for being a 'bad boy.' But what you do is cheat on her with the one person she hates in the whole school. Someone so bad she will never talk to you again. Blow her off tonight.**

* * *

_You. Are. A. Fucking. Genius. I'll send her something now._

* * *

_Pansy, I can't sleep with you tonight. And I accidentally passed that note to Granger. I was trying to get her to pass it to you instead._

* * *

Why? Do you not love me anymore? I don't think you are the same person anymore.

* * *

_See, Blaise? Do you see why she is driving me crazy?_

* * *

**Your problem is more complicated than I thought. But stick to the idea anyway.**

* * *

_Okay, Blaise._

* * *

_No, Pansy. I just have a detention for Trelawney. _

* * *

_Blaise, it might have worked._

* * *

Oh, well. Okay. Stop passing me notes please, I'm trying to fix my make-up.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

* * *

_Okay Blaise, thanks for the help. See you later._

* * *

_Granger.  
_

_-Draco_

* * *

What!? I am trying to pay attention!

* * *

_You actually listen to that bore? Anyway… I need your help._

* * *

Why would you need my help?

* * *

_Because you repel Slytherins._

* * *

Well gee, thanks. (PS, I hope you read sarcasm)

* * *

_But I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend._

* * *

… WTF? Why would I help you? We are enemies. We hate each other. You are a ferret. My reputation would drop because then I wouldn't be the only girl known to resist your "charms", whatever that means. And you are as ugly as fuck.

* * *

_Thank you Granger, for bringing light to my situation. Now can you please hear my side? Pansy is annoying the shit out of me. I thought that if we started "dating", she would get angry and leave me alone._

* * *

Let us see how many fucks I give… oh wait, I can't find any because they're as tiny as your balls! Little, mousy, itty-bitty, tiny girl balls. Just tell her to fuck off and leave me out of your schemes.

* * *

_Just think about Pansy's face when she sees us._

* * *

Um, still not enough incentive.

* * *

_Fine. The Christmas Party is coming up. Maybe we can stage something that only Pansy could see._

* * *

Right. And what exactly would we be staging?

* * *

_Maybe a kiss? We can fake it… like you just hug me and make noises and shit. _

* * *

Ugh, even the prospect of hugging you disgusts me to my bones. But fine. What's in it for me?

* * *

_Isn't Pansy's expression enough?_

* * *

NO.

* * *

_What do you want?_

* * *

A letter that says I am better than you and that you secretly envy me for my talent.

* * *

_Oh, I didn't know you were one to gloat. _

* * *

Do we have a deal or not?

* * *

_Fine. See you._

* * *

**AN: So, next chapter is their 'date'. Will Hermione get the guts to touch Draco Malfoy? Will Pansy stop being so clingy and desperate? Will Blaise ever look into a career as a couples' therapist? Read and review!  
-Raven**


	3. Chapter 3

**Bold- Ginny **

Plain- Hermione

...

Ginny. I have to tell you something.

* * *

**Why are you owling me in the middle of the night? Plus, we're, like, 4 beds away.**

* * *

I don't want anyone to overhear.

* * *

**Fine, lunatic. What did you want to tell me?**

* * *

He kissed me.

* * *

**Who?**

* * *

HIM.

* * *

**Hermione, there isn't anyone named 'him' at the school.**

* * *

Oh god, Ginny, I feel horrible. I HATE THAT FERRET!

* * *

**Okay, now you got me interested. You didn't kiss Ron, and that's understandable- I mean, we've all seen Lav- Lav and Won-Won, right? I would be scared, too. But by ferret, do you mean… Draco Malfoy?**

* * *

… Yes.

* * *

… **Tsk, tsk. I thought we hated him.**

* * *

I do, Ginny.

* * *

**Okay, just tell me when it happened.**

* * *

Last Friday night.

* * *

**THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!? Where we danced on tabletops, and we took to many shots, and we maxed our credit cards, so we hit the boulevard?****Last Friday night?**

* * *

Ginny, this is NOT funny.

* * *

**Fine, killjoy. Tell me what happened.**

* * *

Oh, the guilt has been eating at me for all this time… So, Pansy Parkinson- you know, short black hair, pug face? - She was nagging Malfoy all the time,like, overly attached girlfriend. So he confronted me and told me that he needed me to pretend to be his date, so Pansy and Pansy ONLY would see us making out (of course, pretending, it would just look the case), and that she would finally leave him alone.

* * *

**Right. Overly attached girlfriend?**

* * *

I know, I know, just stay with me. So I agreed, partially because it would be like revenge and because Malfoy was going to write a letter saying that I was the best witch and that he was super jealous of me.

* * *

**Really?**

* * *

Don't judge me. Anyway, the plan was to fake making out, somewhere where Pansy would see us. And you know it was pretty crazy that night.

* * *

**Oh yeah, I vaguely remember picking the Headmaster's office's lock with a cucumber, dancing in Dumbledore's spangled cloaks—you know, the ****purple shimmery gay ones-and playing Seven Minutes in Heaven with nothing but the Sorting Hat on.**

* * *

… O.O WTF…

* * *

…**Don't tell Ron.**

* * *

Anyway, I was just hanging around, and then he comes up and says, "Let's go, Pansy is coming in 3 minutes." And I was like, "Where do we go?" and then he gives me this strange look, and he says "That broom closet over there." And I was like, "How will she notice us?" and then he says "I told her to meet me there."

* * *

**I like this story already.**

* * *

GINNY.

* * *

**Fine, just continue.**

* * *

So, we went to the broom closet, and he closed the door behind him, and then he…

* * *

**Then he WHAT?**

* * *

I thought I would start to hug him because we heard Pansy already because she was talking to Astoria Greengrass. But then, the bastard took his SHIRT off.

* * *

… **You lucky bitch.**

* * *

What's that supposed to mean? Ginny, we hate him.

* * *

**Just continue. You wouldn't know a hot body if it was dangling in front of you naked, screaming your name. **

* * *

…Okay. Then, he tousles his hair and he puts his hands on my ASS.

* * *

… **You lucky bitch.**

* * *

GINNY, I AM VERY PROTECTIVE OF MY ASS.

* * *

**I thought that was something only Aberforth Dumbledore said. Oh wait, it was goats. Just continue…**

* * *

So I try to push him away, but he's too strong, so then I ask him what the fuck he is doing. He said we should try to make it look as real as possible. So then, I tell him that he has to announce to the whole house of Slytherin that he thinks I'm hot so I will cooperate.

* * *

**Hermione. Really?**

* * *

Shut up. So he agrees and he grins, and tilts my head up, and before I can ask what the fuck he is doing again, he kisses me.

* * *

**Ermagerd! DID YOU LIKE IT!?**

* * *

Ginny.

* * *

**You didn't answer my question.**

* * *

NO.

* * *

**You know you did…**

* * *

NO, I DIDN'T.

* * *

**Yes, you did.**

* * *

No, I didn't.

* * *

**Yes, you did.**

* * *

No, I didn't.

* * *

**Yes, you did.**

* * *

No, I didn't, and I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER will think Draco fucking Malfoy is a good kisser.

* * *

**Yes you did.**

* * *

Okay, maybe a little.

* * *

**HAH.**

* * *

Whatever, Ginny. So, Pansy comes in at that moment, and then she shrieks, "Get your lips off of him, you whore!"

* * *

**What? She called you a whore? The dumb fuck-shitter.**

* * *

Fuck-shitter? ANYWAY, Malfoy turns around and says, "Fuck off, I'm in the middle of something." Then he kisses me again.

* * *

**How did it feel like? **

* * *

He grinned when he kissed me, and his lips felt nice, not too hard or too soft but perfect… and he smelled like soap and sweat and… well, Draco Malfoy… but the weirdest thing was, his pulse was really rapid. And he stopped touching my ass when she left, like he sort of knew I didn't like it. But we kissed for like 3 minutes which is a pretty long time because I didn't notice it until we stopped for air.

* * *

… **YOU MUST MARRY HIM BECAUSE HE IS THE PERFECT MAN.**

* * *

NO, I will not marry him. Besides, you haven't heard what happens next.

* * *

**What did he say?**

* * *

Well, after stopping, he pushed me off of him and accused ME of kissing HIM.

* * *

**Whoa, what?**

* * *

Yeah, it was so frustrating. He called me a Mudblood and now he was dirtied forever and the same dumb shit.

* * *

**... That... that... that... FUCKING FUCK TART PIECE OF FUCKED FUCK. And to think, all those fantasies I've had of those freaking 'Slither-in' ass-****fucks.**

* * *

... O.O

* * *

**... Don't tell Ron**.

* * *

Erm, anyway, he began to smirk and he said, "You like me, Granger."

* * *

**WTF. JUST WTF.**

* * *

So, I said, "No, you kissed me first, ferret,"

* * *

**And then?**

* * *

He said, "Well, you didn't pull away, did you?"

* * *

**ASSHOLE.**

* * *

I bitch-slapped him so hard, his face bruised instantly.

* * *

**That's my girl.**

* * *

Ginny, even though he is a horrible Slytherin, he was still—oh, who am I kidding, I LOVED HITTING HIM.

* * *

**AN: Again, sorry for the cursing. But personally, I was proud of this chapter. It got the approval of a really good friend. Please review! That's the best thing you can give a writer.  
****-Raven **


	4. Chapter 4

_Italics- Draco _

Plain- Hermione

**Bold- McGonagall**

**...**

DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY,

HOW DARE YOU TRICK ME AS IF I WERE SOME COMMON WHORE! YOU SAID WE WOULD FAKE MAKE OUT, YOU SAID WE WOULD ONLY HUG, BUT YOU PRACTICALLY SEXUALLY HARRASSED ME! AND THEN YOU DENY IT, SAYING THAT MY SELF CONTROL 'FALTERED' DUE TO YOUR 'CHARMS' AND I HARRASSED YOU! THE ONLY THING YOUR CHARMS WORK ON ARE YOUR DIRTY SOCK PUPPETS! NOT ONLY WAS THAT THE PROBLEM, BUT THE EXTENT OF YOUR LOYALTY AND TRUSTWORTHINESS IS LIKE THE SIZE OF GOYLE'S BRAIN: INCREDIBLY TINY! YOU FAILED TO WRITE ME MY PRAISE LETTER, YOU NEGLECTED TO MENTION TO YOUR HOUSE THAT I AM THE HOTTEST AND BRIGHTEST WITCH YOU HAD EVER SEEN. IN FACT, YOU TOLD THEM THAT I WAS THE DIRTIEST SLAG YOU EVER LAID! ONE, I HAVE NEVER SLEPT WITH AN ANIMAL, AND TWO, IF I WAS A DIRTY SLAG, YOU WOULD BE A DISEASED, FILTHY MAN-WHORE! WHAT FOOL WOULD EVER NEGOTIATE WITH YOU AND YOUR FATHER'S BUSINESS, I HAVE NO IDEA! I'M SENDING THIS HOWLER SO THE WHOLE OF SLYTHERIN HOUSE WOULD KNOW YOU PURPOSELY MADE OUT WITH A MUDBLOOD, AND A GRANGER AT THAT!

FUCK YOU,

Hermione Jean Granger.

P.S. Feel free to tell your father about this. Shame on you, you stupid pervert.

* * *

**Dear Ms. Granger, **

**Howlers sent among students are not allowed, especially ones with such vulgar language. However since you are at the top of your year, I will allow it to pass, just this once. If you ever do it again, Ms. Granger, you will have to suffer a month of detention. You are a Gryffindor, and I will not have my House be looked at as a band of misfits. You are also Head Girl, and your responsibilities include being an example to other students. If you cannot do so, I will have to take away your badge. Sending a Howler at your fellow Head Student is considered bad form, disunity among Houses, and disagreement among the leaders of the student mass. You will have to write an apology note to Mr. Malfoy, and one to your Head of House and Headmaster.**

**Sincerely, **

**Minerva McGonagall**

**PS. This is completely unprofessional, and please do not mention this to anyone, but 10 points to Gryffindor for the service of a good Howler, and at that numbskull Malfoy at that.**

* * *

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I am sincerely sorry for sending a Howler to a fellow student, for using vulgar language, and for disregarding my duties as Head Girl. It will never happen again.

Sincerely,

Hermione Jean Granger

PS. Much obliged.

* * *

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

I am sincerely sorry for sending a Howler to a fellow student, for using vulgar language, and for disregarding my duties as Head Girl. It will never happen again.

Sincerely,

Hermione Jean Granger

* * *

Malfoy,

I hate you.

With all my heart.

From,

Hermione Jean Fuck You Granger.

* * *

_Thanks for the new flash, Granger. Thanks for the fucking Howler, too. Very enlightening._

* * *

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

* * *

_Yeah, I'm glad I enjoyed your lips too. _

* * *

Are you FLIRTING with me!? After everything in that Howler—I could have got you suspended for sexual harassment.

* * *

_You wouldn't. _

* * *

What makes you think I wouldn't?

* * *

_You want more of it._

* * *

That is preposterous.

* * *

_You didn't push me away. In fact, we might have had more than an intense make out if I hadn't pushed you away… if you get my drift ;) _

* * *

I was stunned.

PS. I don't sleep with potential carriers of STDs.

* * *

_By what an amazing kisser I was, yeah. _

_PS. I assure you, I'm disease free… aside from your Mudblood lips dirtying my blood._

* * *

You Slytherin are absolutely driving me crazy, you know!

PS. Maybe you should have thought about me and my dirty Mudblood lips before you kissed me?

* * *

_And apparently that turns you on._

_PS. I happen to like dirty… _

* * *

I don't know how or why you got it into your head that I am infatuated with a viper like you, Malfoy.

PS. Hateful! You're just so… hateful! Hateful person!

* * *

_You can't resist me, you're just in denial._

* * *

Yeah, and Snape is a glitter pony with strobe lights flashing from his ass.

* * *

_What would our ship name be? You've probably thought about it, like some lovesick 12 year old fangirling about—what's that tranny's name? Justin Bieber. So is it Hraco or Dramione?_

* * *

Do you want us together or do you like giving me nightmares?

* * *

_Please, the idea of US is revolting. Nothing could be worse. But that's why you like it. Forbidden love, between opposing Houses. Like Romeo and Juliet. _

* * *

Except Juliet isn't interested.

* * *

_And neither is Romeo. But Juliet will fall for him. He doesn't have to love her back. He'd rather sleep with a female pug. _

* * *

You have; her name is Pansy.

* * *

_Exactly._

* * *

If you would rather sleep with Pansy than like me, why did you try to get rid of Pansy by kissing me?

* * *

_Loving someone and kissing someone aren't the same. By the way, my plan worked. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one._

* * *

You're the bitch, Malfoy.

* * *

**AN: Will Hermione and Draco ever resolve their issues? R&R, folks.**


	5. Chapter 5

_Italics- Draco _

Plain- Hermione

...

_Granger?_

* * *

FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE, ferret.

* * *

_I have to tell you something important. _

* * *

I have no time for your shit, Malfoy.

* * *

_Granger. _

* * *

No.

* * *

_Granger. _

* * *

No.

* * *

_Granger!_

* * *

NO.

* * *

_Granger will you PLEASE just fucking listen to me! Pansy forgave me so I need to keep cheating on her with you. _

* * *

NO.

* * *

_I'll hook you up with Ron. _

* * *

NEVE- wait, what? How are you going to manage that? The only two things he can think about are food and snogging.

* * *

_All it takes is a few thoughts placed in his head, a few moments of jealousy. Trust me, I am an expert in the sly and cunning business. _

* * *

I can't trust you to do what you say you can. You could sabotage my relationship with Ron.

* * *

_Do I look like someone who could sabotage a relationship? _

_PS. You guys don't even have a relationship._

* * *

You speak before you think. I don't know, home-wrecker, can you?

PS. Being friends counts as a relationship.

* * *

_I have never gotten anyone divorced. _

_PS. That's sad on so many levels. _

* * *

Sure, and I drive a monster truck.

PS. No one asked for your opinion.

* * *

_A what?_

_PS. That's a pity because you could use mine._

* * *

Forget it, Malfoy, I would never help you in a million years.

* * *

_Really? Would you rather help a Malfoy or never have Ron make a move?_

* * *

I'm a Gryffindor. I can make the move for him.

* * *

_Are you sure? He's making all the moves on Lavender Brown, right now. You wouldn't want to be their home-wrecker, now? _

* * *

They aren't even married.

* * *

_Yeah, but their lips are. Until death do they part. _

* * *

Very funny. Since when did I start talking about my love life with Draco Malfoy?

* * *

_Since I made the business proposal that could change it. _

* * *

You wouldn't change it. You only do things for yourself.

* * *

_Speaking of doing things for yourself, you seemed to like me kissing you. Maybe it was my body? You seem to go for men with a light yet muscular frame. __Although I fail to see how Ron could fit that after seeing how he eats. Or maybe it was my hair. Do you like your men platinum blonde? Do you like platinum blonde more than red hair? And what about my lips?_

* * *

Oh please, Malfoy. Your have as much skills as a fish with halitosis. Are you so desperate that you imagine that I like you?

* * *

_Not what I hear from the others. They say you actually liked kissing me. _

* * *

Does everyone know we kissed!? Oh shit, RON!

* * *

_Did you really forget about that Howler you sent me? Everyone in the House of Slytherin heard it, and now they are manipulating it into their own stories and rumors. They think we have a thing, or you like me, or something. It's quite horrendous. There are pros and cons to every Howler_.

* * *

You better make this right.

* * *

_You're the one who sent the Howler! _

* * *

You're the one who kissed me!

* * *

_I never kissed you; you kissed ME._

* * *

I don't have time for this! I'm going to talk to the Gryffindors. I can't have everyone think I caved into Malfoy's charms.

* * *

_You think I have charms? _

* * *

No, the dumb bimbos from this school do.

* * *

_Well, thanks for the compliment. Before you go, will you tell me if you accept or not? _

* * *

Accept what?

* * *

_Will you help me? _

* * *

If you mention that I hate you in your manipulation with Ron, yes. But you better or I will do UNSPEAKABLE things to you, your owl, and your bedroom.

* * *

_Please do unspeakable things with me in my bedroom. The owl is unnecessary. _

* * *

You make everything sound dirty. Malfoy, I hate you.

* * *

_Hate you too. _

* * *

**AN: Things are getting awfully repetitive, aren't they? Maybe Draco needs an excuse to ask out Hermione. Or maybe it's just hormones. Yeah, probably just the hormones. Read and review, punks. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Bold- Ginny **

Plain- Hermione

...

Ginny can we talk?

* * *

**Hermione, do you need something? I'm kind of in the middle of something important. **

* * *

You're in the middle of snogging Harry. Make something up, like you have to go to detention, or you have herpes, and talk to me.

* * *

**Fine. Wait a few seconds. **

* * *

**Okay, I'm back. What's up?**

* * *

Ginny, I am an idiot.

* * *

**Do you need an uplift talk, or are you fishing for compliments? Because I have no time for either. And sometimes, I agree with you. **

* * *

No, Ginny, I'm an idiot because I let it happen again.

* * *

**Let what happen again? Oh no, did you spill ink on someone cute again?**

* * *

No, you dumbass. I'm talking about Malfoy.

* * *

**NOWAYYOUKISSEDHIMTELLMEAGAINHOWHOTWASITANSWERSNOW! **

* * *

Merlin, Ginny, calm down. I'll tell you the whole story.

* * *

**Please. I ship Dramione so much. **

* * *

WHAT! We hate him, Ginny. And he and I will never be in a ship.

* * *

**Right. Have fun explaining that to .**

* * *

Sorry, what?

* * *

**Nothing. Tell me what happened. **

* * *

Well, Pansy apparently forgave him for kissing me, so he wanted me to go on a fake date with him. It was yesterday when we went to Hogsmeade. He said Pansy and her friends would always be in sight of us, so we had to act cozy.

* * *

**Ugh. No matter how damn sexy he is, how can you be cozy with that bastard? **

* * *

I just want to seriously injure him. So anyway, Pansy and her friend Astoria were there at the Three Broomsticks, but strangely it wasn't that crowded. So when I was sitting down, he pulled me into his lap.

* * *

**OTPOTPOTPOTP**

* * *

What does that even mean? You aren't making any sense.

* * *

**Keep going. **

* * *

Pansy gave me the evil eye, but what was strange was that her friend Astoria seemed angrier.

* * *

**Weird… **

* * *

So I was sitting on asshole ferret and he wouldn't even let me get off. He had the nerve to say, "Do something hot."

* * *

**Gasp. **

* * *

I know! But, since I am smart, I decided to tease him a bit.

* * *

**WHAT did you do?**

* * *

I put my hand through his stupid hair and… I kissed him.

* * *

**HERMIONE, I thought he kissed you.**

**PS. You call that smart?**

* * *

HE made ME kiss him. But the thing was, he didn't push me away, he kissed me back.

PS. I was mad at him, and I just wanted to startle him.

* * *

**What. **

* * *

So he actually lost control for the time we made out. By the time we resurfaced, Astoria was gone, but Pansy looked like she was about to kill me.

* * *

**YOU MADE OUT WITH THE SLYTHERIN SEX GOD! ON PURPOSE!**

* * *

Please, Ginny, don't be absurd. It was to teach that nitwit a lesson.

* * *

**Did you like it? Was it better than the other one? **

* * *

Sadly, yes. It was rather nice.

* * *

**EEEEEEK! **

* * *

Ginny.

* * *

**Fine, I'll stop. **

* * *

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to teach Malfoy another lesson.

* * *

**Will it involve any kissing?**

* * *

No. It will involve making sure he thinks I don't like him, and if he ever breathes a word of this to anyone, I will get you to Bat-Bogey Hex him.

* * *

**It's nice to know everyone else still fears my hexing skills. **

* * *

It's nice to know that I have a way to blackmail Malfoy and ruin his so called 'pretty' features.

* * *

**AN: So, Hermione kisses DRACO, who would have thought... will anymore 'fake' kissing and 'fake' dating have to happen? R&R, mates. **


	7. Chapter 7

_Italics- Draco _

Plain- Hermione

...

You and I need to talk, PAL.

* * *

_What do you need, another make out session? What was with that? I said do something hot, not kiss me… I know I am irresistible, but that was a bit surprising, coming from you. _

* * *

It had nothing to do with the fact that you're 'irresistible', whatever that means. I was trying to make Pansy jealous. By the way, it seems to be that I'm the one in control of your hormones. I was the one who had to break the kiss.

* * *

_Oh, please. I was in shock._

* * *

That was what I told you.

* * *

_Wait… you actually did enjoy me kissing you the first time? _

* * *

No, when did I ever say that? That would be inconceivable.

* * *

_You implied it in when you said "That was what I told you", sort of. _

* * *

I actually meant that I was in shock. If you were in shock, you wouldn't respond to me.

* * *

_What do you mean, respond to you? _

* * *

Your hands were around my waist, you were moving in sync with me. That is called responding.

* * *

_Well, I must've forgotten you were Hermione Granger, then. _

* * *

Nice try. I thought you were an expert in the—what was it?—sly and cunning business.

* * *

_Well. I have one fact up my sleeve. YOU responded to ME when I kissed you._

* * *

So you admit it! You kissed me the first time!

* * *

_Don't try and change the subject. Your hands went around my neck, you came closer to me. If that isn't responding, I don't know what is. _

* * *

Well, it must have been automatic.

* * *

_Nice try. You've only ever kissed Weasel once or twice. _

* * *

Er, no. Ron and I have kissed a lot more. In secret. Before Lavender.

* * *

_Oh, please. You're a bad liar, even on paper. You've never kissed Weasel. I'm probably your first kiss, aren't I? _

* * *

No. I've kissed Krum, and Cormac McLaggen.

* * *

_Cormac MCLAGGEN? You must be joking. _

* * *

No. It was at the Christmas Party in sixth year, the one you 'gate-crashed'. It was under mistletoe, quite romantic.

* * *

_You don't seem like the romantic fool, Granger. _

* * *

What would you know about me?

* * *

_A lot, actually. We are enemies, and a Slytherin always keeps tabs on his enemies. Anyway, I am actually quite concerned about my reputation. _

* * *

I'm glad we're on the same page.

PS. Did you just say you stalk me?

* * *

_I'm not telling anyone that we kissed a second time, or people might think something's up. Although I'm worried about Pansy and Astoria._

_PS. Don't be absurd. I just know everything. _

* * *

For once, thank you, Malfoy. By the way… Astoria was looking a lot more jealous than Pansy. Is there something I should know?

PS. *Sneeze*

* * *

_No. Astoria probably likes me, is all. How jealous was she? _

_PS. -.-_

* * *

Quite.

* * *

_Oh. _

* * *

Alright, now that's all cleared up… bye.

* * *

_Not just yet… after that Howler with everything about the harassment and me kissing you crap, I think you ought to apologize. You kissed me this time. _

* * *

No. You made me kiss you both times.

* * *

_No, I didn't. Don't be stupid. _

* * *

If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have to kiss you to prove that two can play at this game.

* * *

_What game? _

* * *

I haven't forgotten—there had to be some reason as to why you would kiss me and then deny it.

* * *

_Oh Granger. You really want me, don't you? _

* * *

No, you want me.

* * *

_No, you want ME. _

* * *

No, me.

* * *

_NO, me. _

* * *

NO, ME.

* * *

_Please let's stop. We sound like those annoying couples that are trying to get the other to hang up on those—what are they called?—cell phones. _

* * *

Fine.

* * *

_Fine._

* * *

Whatever.

* * *

_Whatever. _

* * *

Bye.

* * *

_BYE!_

* * *

**AN: There is something fishy going on... who's going to run out of excuses for kissing each other first? R&R!**

**-Raven**


	8. Chapter 8

_Italics- Draco_

**Boldface- Blaise**

...

_Blaise, Blaise, can you believe it! Hermione kissed that freak, Cormac McLaggen! _

* * *

**Your Gryffindor counterpart? **

* * *

_WHAT! You think he is my DOUBLE? He doesn't compare to my exquisite appeal and angelic personality. _

* * *

**He is exactly like you. He has forever perfect blonde hair, ghost white skin, cocky asshole attitude, and he's as bossy as fuck. Not to mention, he**

**uses, "My father will hear about this," an abundance of times. **

* * *

_I don't say that anymore. My father is in prison, so he couldn't hear anything. And good riddance. But seriously man, what's going on with her and Mclaggen? _

* * *

**No offense, but why would you care if she did kiss him? **

* * *

_I don't honestly care… I was just so shocked. _

* * *

**Please. While half the castle may ship Dramione, some ship Cormione. You must have heard of Cormione. Maybe Hermac? **

* * *

_Dramione!? That's actually a thing? Hermione and I will never be friends, let alone in a relationship. And what do you mean half the castle? And is Hermac/__Cormione what I think it is?_

* * *

**Draco, mate. Here's the thing. While I would never not ship Dramione, I think that there is a lot of sexual tension between you two. You have to release it. I'm sure she feels it too. **

* * *

_There is no sexual tension between us. Hermione is about as sexual as a dictionary. By the way… did you use a double negative to trick me into thinking you ship Dramione? How can you, man? _

* * *

**Dictionaries can be pretty sexual if you think about it. **

* * *

_Ugh, Blaise. C'mon. _

* * *

**Trust me. It's a very common affliction called the 'horny'. You don't want to die alone, do you? **

* * *

_I'm not going to ask that prude bookworm out, and I will not die alone. I have Astoria. _

* * *

**You HAD Astoria. She left you for… huh… it's strange how things always come back to CORMAC. **

* * *

_WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!? SHE'S DATING MCLAGGEN! FIRST HE GETS WITH ASTORIA, AND THEN HE KISSES HERMIONE!_

* * *

**Actually, I think he kissed Hermione first.**

* * *

_Not helping, mate! _

* * *

**Draco, do you want Astoria back? **

* * *

…_Yes. _

* * *

**Then I suggest you get with Hermione. It'll make Astoria jealous. **

* * *

_I already asked her for help with that wretch Pansy twice. I don't think she would help me again. Even if she does agree, I can't date a Gryffindor. _

* * *

**Sure you can! Astoria is dating Cormac. Whatever happened to House Unity, HEAD BOY? **

* * *

_It's not that. No Gryffindor would take me. I don't think they've forgiven me. I am the only Slytherin who went full Death Eater from our batch. You never go __full Death Eater._

* * *

**Hey, Crabbe died for Voldemort… I think he was the real Death Eater anyway. He always used to tell you that the Dark Lord was the future. Dating the Gryffindor Princess would make your image better. If the she forgives you, they forgive you. Besides, plenty of people have gone full Death Eater. You didn't want to, right? Sure you bragged about it like a ponce in the first few years, but that was you being an idiot. Maybe she can correct that.**

* * *

_How do I get her to date me? She hates my guts. _

* * *

**You're Head Boy, you'll think of something. You have to woo her with your Slytherin charms. **

* * *

_Blaise, I have to hook her up with Ron. That was my promise to her last time_.

* * *

**Salazar is turning in his grave, right now. Drake, you're a Slytherin. Just tell her he was too busy kissing Lavender Brown to notice anything. **

* * *

_She'll unleash the Weaselette on me. _

* * *

**That is a problem. How about telling her to fake date you so RON gets jealous? **

* * *

_BLAISE, YOU ARE A FUCKING GENIUS. _

* * *

**I know, I know. You've said that already. How were you going to hook them up? **

* * *

_I was going to say that I liked her in front of him, pretending he wasn't there._

* * *

**Very Slytherin of you. But he could've punched you. **

* * *

_He might punch me if he sees us dating. _

* * *

**True that. Anyway, I'll leave you to your convincing. I have to send something to my mum for New Year's. **

* * *

_Right. See you later, mate._

* * *

**AN: Fake dating AGAIN!? Is this story going anywhere? You bet it is. R&R!**


	9. Chapter 9

Plain- Hermione

_Italics- Draco_

_..._

_Granger, you know how I said I have a plan for getting you and Weasel together? We need to talk about that. _

_-Draco_

* * *

I knew it! You're going back on your promise, aren't you? I knew you weren't capable of helping others, Malfoy. Screw you. Every disgusting kiss we've ever shared came with a price you had to pay, and you haven't paid so far. Well, at least you told me this time you weren't going to help. I can't believe I trusted you, even for something as trivial as this.

* * *

… _No, I was going to tell you I found a way._

* * *

Oh.

* * *

_You can't even say sorry. You proud Gryffindors can't admit that you're wrong. _

* * *

No, I just can't say sorry to a jerk like you.

* * *

_Now you're just being the same as any prejudiced Pureblood. You think that I'm lower than you._

* * *

There is a fine difference between me and Purebloods. And you. Besides, you aren't one to talk. You insult me on a daily basis.

* * *

_I don't insult you because you're a Muggleborn._

* * *

Really? Because you call me a Mudblood sometimes, and it's after the war. You are never going to change. So why do you call me a Mudblood? Ooh, do you do it to impress your friends? You seem like the type who cares a lot about other people's opinions of you.

* * *

_Sure. _

* * *

Sure? What's that supposed to mean?

* * *

_It means that I thought you wanted to know how I was going to get Ron interested in you. So stop nagging me about how I am._

* * *

Ugh. Shoot.

PS. You started it.

* * *

_It involved us fake dating… _

_PS. Fuck off. _

* * *

Not this shit again.

* * *

_He'll get jealous…_

* * *

Or he'll fuck you up.

* * *

_I think I can handle him. _

* * *

Hah. You couldn't even stop whimpering after I punched your ferret face in third year.

* * *

_Please. You started sobbing when I called you a Mudblood in second year. _

* * *

I got over it. I bet you're still scared of me and my fists.

* * *

_Your fists, yes. You, not so much. You're about as threatening as a flobberworm. _

* * *

Whatever. So how do you propose to keep yourself safe from the whole House of Gryffindor and maybe even some of the staff if we started fake dating?

* * *

_That is where you come in. Eventually, they will beat me up, and you will have to rescue me. _

* * *

So I save the coward.

* * *

_I wouldn't think of myself as a coward. I am willing to get beat up by the whole proud house of Gryffindor (holy be His name) so you can get some ginger __to __tickle your Granger. I'm also sacrificing my dignity by being with you._

* * *

No, you're still a coward. You couldn't tell Pansy to shove off to her face.

PS. I'm losing my dignity too!

* * *

_I totally could. I just don't want to see the heartbreak in her face because the whole world of girls has fallen in love with me and I don't want to see the pain as I reject every one of them. _

_PS. Not if we BOTH act smitten with each other (ew). That way it won't seem fake, like I convinced you to be with me. Even though I am convincing you now, and this whole thing is fake._

* * *

That's sad. You'll reject all of them?

PS. True. But we both have to commit.

* * *

_Well, there is one that I've developed an interest for. _

_PS. This is horrendous. But I know._

* * *

Ooh, Malfoy has a crushie, Malfoy has a crushie!

* * *

_Shut up. I can see you laughing from up here. I've kissed her._

* * *

What's her name?

* * *

_Um, no. I'm not going to tell you that much about my love life!_

* * *

Aww. Well, okay, how are you going to spread the rumor that we're dating?

* * *

_Ugh. Well, first I'm going to stare at you a lot, so I hope you don't mind. And then I'll 'accidentally' let it slip that we've been dating in secret to some gossip girl. And then… we start to act cozier, like holding hands in public, and hugging, perhaps a few pecks on the cheek. All that vomit-inducing cute stuff, and then we'll pull a broom closet on them. _

* * *

This is rather repetitive. And gross.

* * *

_Would you rather make out in a classroom?_

* * *

Yeah, a change of scenery would be nice.

* * *

_Right. Meet me at 10, because I know Ron and Lavender look for an empty room at that time. For their… activities._

* * *

Ew.

* * *

_I know. See you later, honey. _

* * *

Bye. And don't ever say honey. Ever.

* * *

_Right. _

* * *

**AN: It's not just kissing anymore, shit's getting real. R&R!  
-Raven**


	10. Chapter 10

_Draco- Italics _

**Blaise- Boldface**

...

**Draco, man, what have I been hearing? Apparently you and Hermione were getting it on in some classroom. I heard Weasley walked in on you two and almost beat the living crap out of you. **

* * *

Really? Well, the rumors are true, Blaise. Hermione and I are indeed 'getting it on' quite a lot. You know, we've practiced every technique there is. Who knew the bookworm could be so devilishly sexy! We've made love in so many places: the Prefects' bathroom, behind the Quidditch stands, under the big tree by the lake, in Snape's office… with Snape there.

* * *

…**Oh. **

* * *

I'm just fucking with you Blaise. We haven't done it yet.

* * *

**But you're dating?**

* * *

Uh, yeah! Did you forget the entire conversation we had about the fake dating to win back Astoria and Ron at the same time?

* * *

**Oh, right. **

* * *

You know, surprisingly, it isn't as terrible as I imagined. She's actually a very interesting person. She knows a lot about a lot of things, and she can be funny if she isn't angry at that moment.

* * *

**OTPOTPOTPOTPOTP **

* * *

What? What are you doing?

* * *

**Nothing. **

* * *

So anyway, you were right about Ron almost beating me up. But it was planned that way.

* * *

**So you planned Ron walking in on you? **

* * *

Yup. She and I were kissing, because even though Lavender Brown had the flu we knew Weasley was still a Prefect so he would be out and about… so there we were, kissing, and then the red-headed buffoon walked in just before we lost control…

* * *

**Wait, so you actually really make out and you actually really sometimes almost get carried away!? **

**PS. Are you insulting him normally or because you couldn't bang Granger? **

* * *

Well yeah, we kissed a couple times before because of the Pansy thing and now she said she didn't really care that I was kissing her. And we sometimes almost get carried away because we're teenagers, mate. Hormones are hard to keep in check.

PS. Both. ;)

* * *

**Oh. Right then. Carry on.**

**PS. You think Granger's hot?**

* * *

So the ginger walks up to me and pulls her away from me, and then he yells at ME for sexually abusing her.

PS. Yeah man, she is. Under those unflattering school robes, she has a really nice body. Like, comparable to the Beauxbatons ladies.

* * *

**The little bozo. Tell me you hexed his insides to worms. **

**PS. Damn. **

* * *

No, actually. Hermione took my hand and said, "He isn't abusing me, you moron. We're lovers, and I don't care if you like it or not, because you aren't my boss and you have no right to say anything. Now bugger off and play with your plastic girlfriend." And then she kissed me, right in front of him. And I think he got the message that she was mine…

* * *

**Wait. She isn't yours. This is all fake, right? **

* * *

Uh. Yeah. We're fake dating. Emphasis on fake.

* * *

**Mm. **

* * *

What? I'm serious.

* * *

**Okay, okay. But I hope you know what you're really feeling. **

* * *

_Blaise, I can take care of myself. So what, Granger and I are basically fuck (not really fucking, more like up-till-second-base) buddies. It's no strings attached. We're going to part ways when I get Astoria and she gets Ron. We're just having fun until then. _

* * *

**Alright. **

* * *

_So do you know who you're taking to the New Year's Ball? _

* * *

**Dunno. Millicent Bulstrode, I suppose. **

* * *

_WHAT! You can't go with Millicent Bulstrode, that's social suicide! _

* * *

**I don't really have anyone else to go with. You know I haven't properly moved on from You-Know-Who. **

* * *

_You were in love with the Dark Lord? There isn't anything wrong about being gay, but the Dark Lord is a different level of freaky. _

* * *

**No, doofus, I'm talking about THE girl. **

* * *

… _Still lost._

* * *

**By Salazar, I'm talking about the only girl who ever mattered to me. Let me give you a few hints: blonde hair, glasses, and the older sister of ****your ex-girlfriend. Does it ring any motherfucking bells, or are you deaf?**

* * *

_Oh. Daphne Greengrass. _

* * *

**Yeah. Daphne Motherfucking Greengrass. **

* * *

_The really intelligent and bossy Slytherin? You fell in love with the ICEWOMAN!? She must have crushed your heart with her 3 inch black stilettos, and just looked on while you died with her pitiless, emerald eyes and emotionless, blank expression. _

* * *

**Thanks so much.**

* * *

_Oh, Blaise. You are a SLYTHERIN. You don't give up on a girl just because they're ruthless, extremely dominating, and intimidating to even think about. You fight for her. I know you'll find a way. _

* * *

**Wow. That was so… nice of you. Are you sure Granger isn't changing you at all? **

* * *

_Who knows if it's Granger or not… I know you can win Daphne back. _

* * *

**Okay… thanks then. **

* * *

**AN: I added a little Mean Girls reference... but anyway, I hoped you liked it! They're getting awfully close for people who are 'fake dating'. Do you think they've seen 'No Strings Attached'? 'Friends With Benefits'? They need a lesson in the obvious. R&R**

**-Raven**

**PS. My _d_ key isn't working well. ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. **


	11. Chapter 11

**Bold- Harry**

_Italics- Draco_

...

**Malfoy, what are you doing with Hermione? What's your game?**

* * *

_I'm dating her. And there is no game... with your eyebrows. _

* * *

**Oh, please. You expect me to believe you go from hating her guts to getting all lovey-dovey around her? I'm not an idiot.**

* * *

_Listen, Papa Bear. I'm dating your friend, who happens to be an incredibly attractive, intelligent, and funny girl underneath that stuffy attitude. I'm not using her._

* * *

**I don't trust people with dragon dung for brains.**

* * *

_At least dragon dung is special, person with regular dung for brains. _

* * *

**I don't trust you. Never have, never will. But, I don't know if Hermione is dating you of her own volition. **

* * *

_Why don't you ask her!?_

* * *

**She would get angry at me. **

* * *

_You know, for a bunch of people who say they're brave and chivalrous, you're just bullshit._

* * *

**I know she's mad at Ron, and I can't have her mad at me. I'm her only other friend. And she's the only other person I can trust in this school, ****besides Ron.**

* * *

_Has it ocurred to you that now that we're dating, she trusts me? I'm her friend too, and I know she appreciates honesty._

* * *

**She may trust you, but her judgment is clouded. I don't like you. **

* * *

_Goodness. Even if I told you Hermione was dating me because she actually loved me, you would never believe me. You still think I'm a bully, a deceitful __coward._

* * *

**... That's true. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. **

* * *

_Not ashamed to admit that you're prejudiced? That you only think these things because I was a Death Eater? _

* * *

**No. You've terrorized me and my friends since the start. You only look for personal gain. **

* * *

_Don't you think that I see things in Granger? She's changed me, alright? _

* * *

**I don't believe that. **

* * *

_Goodness. Where were you when they were handing out brains?_

* * *

**I don't know. I'm afraid I accidentally got in line for moral decency instead.**

* * *

_It must have been quite a long line. Apparently, you were also too late for good looks, fashion sense, and witty repartee. _

* * *

**You're a bastard. Just like your father. **

* * *

_Actually, I'm a bastard in a way that's entirely my own. _

* * *

**A bastard will always be a bastard. If you break Hermione's heart, I swear to Godric I will kill you. **

* * *

_If you wanted to know if I was going to harm her, and you didn't trust me, why did you ask? _

* * *

**Lies can tell a lot about a person. For instance, I know you don't love her back. You're unsure of how you feel toward her. And you are using her for something. I just don't know what.**

* * *

_Fuck off, Potter. _

* * *

**Have I gotten to you, then? **

* * *

_...Can you keep a secret from Ron?_

* * *

**Of course not! He's my friend!**

* * *

_Can you keep it for Hermione?_

* * *

**I would do anything for her.**

* * *

_In that case, let me start from the beginning. I was getting bored of Pansy Parkinson, so I asked Hermione to help me get rid of her. She agreed to fake dating me to make Pansy think I was cheating on her. She helped me, I didn't force her. But it was a bargain. If she helped me, I had to get Ron to like her. I had to get him jealous. _

* * *

**So you two started fake dating again, but publicly.**

* * *

_Basically. The thing is, while she likes Ron, I'm still in love with my old girlfriend._

* * *

**Who is?**

* * *

_Astoria Greengrass. I'm trying to get her jealous, too. _

* * *

**So you're both using each other.**

* * *

_Yeah. I think Hermione and I have gotten a bit closer as a result... maybe friends. But I know for sure she trusts me. And I trust her._

* * *

**That, I believe.**

* * *

_So now you trust me? _

* * *

**Now that I know you aren't going to hurt her, yeah. **

* * *

_Listen, you can't tell anyone. We put a lot of effort into this fake dating thing._

* * *

**Your secret is safe with me. **

* * *

_Thank you, Potter._

* * *

**Do you remember when you asked me to be your friend? In first year? You are different now. I think that Hermione really has changed you. Now, I have to ask you. Would you like to be friends?**

**P.S. It will make Ron angrier, too. **

* * *

_I couldn't, Potter. You're much too annoying. Sorry. *runs away, while giving you the middle finger*_

* * *

**You little shit. **

* * *

**AN: I kind of like the idea of a Drarry friendship. I'm sorry this chapter has been more serious than the others, but it's a pretty big character development for Draco.  
****I leave for New York on Tuesday, so I don't think I can update at all next week. Sorry.  
****R&R, guys.**

**-Raven **


End file.
